Korean adoptees connect about their common experiences on 'Adapted' podcast

MELISSA TOWNSEND: Here in Minnesota Now, we like to highlight good Minnesota made podcasts. Our next guest is Kaomi Lee. Her day job is as a producer for Twin Cities Public Television. But in her off hours, she interviews Korean adoptees from around the world, and she brings these stories together in her podcast called Adapted. Kaomi is also a Korean adoptee, and she's here to talk about her podcast. Welcome to Minnesota Now.

KAOMI LEE: Thank you. Happy to be here.

MELISSA TOWNSEND: So when I heard about your podcast, I wondered if you started it because there's something about your own experience that you wanted to explore or tell people about.

KAOMI LEE: That was definitely the case. I mean, I don't know that I knew it at the time. But now, reflecting back, I definitely think that was a real reason of why I wanted to explore these stories. Because talking to other adoptees and learning about their experiences, it was a way for me to process my own experience, growing up in mostly rural Minnesota. That experience of being basically the only person of color for most of my childhood that I would encounter.

I was adopted in '71 to Meadowlands, which is near Duluth. And I have a connection. I have a visceral-- a native born connection to Korea. And I'll always have it. And as I get older, I'm now in my 50s, I find that my connection and that my need to connect with Korea has only gotten stronger. And I think you'll find that's common among adoptees actually.

MELISSA TOWNSEND: At some point, deciding that I do want to know more about my ancestry and Korea and I do feel this connection, it feels like or I can imagine that that might lead to some kind of break with your adopted family if they don't understand that. Or how do you even broach that conversation with them?

KAOMI LEE: It's a common experience now, to the extent that adult adoptees are able to have frank discussions with their aging parents. I think that really sets the tone on whether those relationships are preserved and actually grow, both sides growing.

But in a lot of cases, there's a break. Myself, I'm estranged from my adoptive mother by choice. Actually, it's my choice. One of the things that we find is there is-- we hear a lot about the white fragility when we're talking about Black Lives Matter and cases of racial justice and acknowledgment of white privilege. But there's also this thing of adoptive parent fragility, and it can become fraught as they become parents.

MELISSA TOWNSEND: I did see in the research for our conversation Children's Home Society helped place like 12,000 to 15,000 children adopted into Minnesota, is that right?

KAOMI LEE: That is the estimate. I think that's probably correct, that in Minnesota, we had the most per capita Korean children that were sent here and adopted by families in Minnesota. That's true.

I think from what I have heard that Mrs. Hahn, she was a social worker, a director at Children's Home for decades. She had a lot of connections in Korea. And so therefore, she was able to use those connections and be able to facilitate more adoptions to Minnesota. I think that's the best explanation that I've heard.

Also, you've got a culture of a very large church presence, religious presence, and this-- and I think this is a misguided sense of, we want to save the children of the world. We want to step in. It's our religious duty. And that somehow, we can save a child from a much worse outcome.

And I think that's a dangerous narrative because that's placing on a child who's been adopted that where they come from is a bad place or a less than place than where they've been adopted to. And we can see now-- look at how Korean culture is-- everybody's rushing to figure out how to get a Korean food item on their menu or at the state fair or BTS and the culture.

I mean, I would very much argue that I don't believe that the culture I was born into and had been adopted from was inferior or less desirable. But of course, that is the message I got from my adoptive father that had I still been in Korea, I would be eating fish heads and rice.

Now that's obviously ignorant, but it is this narrative that adoptive parents, I think, wanted to feel as well that they wanted to feel that they were saving orphans. If you look at the State Department immigration law to adopt from South Korea, the children must be orphans. So the adoption agencies in Korea made us into orphans.

They would make us orphans on paper, which they'd make these false documents that would remove any names. And we know now that-- and studies show that most of us adopted from Korea had at least one living parent. And so that's what happened as we come over. And I think it just fit into this neat narrative that we would have had a terrible life had we stayed in Korea and our white adoptive parents were saving us from something very undesirable. And so that's why a lot of adoptees grow up shunning their identity and shunning a part of who they are.

MELISSA TOWNSEND: I'm curious if you've had a guest on the podcast who has had-- I mean, it sounds like you don't get through this experience without it being incredibly painful. But is there somebody who talked about their parents handling it in a way that made them feel like they could make repair?

KAOMI LEE: Yes. I mean, unfortunately, it's all too rare. But I do-- every so often, there is an adoptee that comes on with parents who embrace Korean culture and also support their son or daughter to search for their birth parents. That's an incredibly secure person who does it.

I've actually have parents who listen and support the podcast, adoptive parents, right here in Minnesota. And that gives me a lot of hope, that you have parents who are listening. Because again, today, there's still not a lot of support that adoption agencies give parents. They basically place the child and make sure you get a healthy child, and then they just throw their hands up and say, OK, this child is yours. Now we're done.

There's not the kind of post-adoption support, which families need. There's no money in it. So it really-- you can see why those are undeveloped resources that are sorely needed. So what parents, I think, have done with small children now is they've found podcasts by adult adoptees who are really telling the unvarnished experience in a way that I hope that parents are learning from and can hopefully have more successful outcomes in their own families

MELISSA TOWNSEND: People need some information. Well, you are-- I understand you're in your sixth season, is that right? Is it launching now or where are you at?

KAOMI LEE: We're about midway. I usually take a break in the summer to just recharge. Like you mentioned, that it's something I do in my off-time. I'm a reporter for Almanac in my full-time job. But we have a lot of harsh winters that during the weekend, I can just stay and work on the podcast.

MELISSA TOWNSEND: You don't want to go outside anyway. [LAUGHS]

KAOMI LEE: I don't want to go outside anyway. And people have asked how long will this go? This had been started as a Fulbright grant in Korea for 10 months in 2016. And I really did not envision that it would be still continuing today. So I don't know how much longer it will last.

But on my website, adoptedpodcast.com, all the stories are posted. And I hope that they will stay as an archive. Recently, a couple episodes ago, I interviewed an adoptee who had aged 30 had just found out she was adopted. She had been adopted from Korea by Korean-American parents who had never told her. So we all have different stories within our unique tent party that we have.

MELISSA TOWNSEND: Indeed. Well, thank you for sharing about this important podcast. It sounds like people are really able to open up to you. And thank you for telling us about it.

KAOMI LEE: Thank you so much, Melissa.

MELISSA TOWNSEND: That's Kaomi Lee. She's the creator and host of the podcast Adapted. It explores the experiences of Korean adoptees. You can check it out at adaptedpodcast.com. Also, I should let you know this interview as part of our North Star Journey series. It was made possible in part by the Minnesota Legacy Amendments Arts and Cultural Heritage Fund. From a reporting in the North Star Journey series, you can go to mprnews.org and look for the North Star Journey link.