Counselor gives insight into healing from childhood grief, trauma

NINA MOINI: The grieving process is just beginning for families, friends, and community members of Annunciation Catholic Church and School. Even for people who aren't close to the victims, hearing of this tragedy close to home is difficult to process. Joining me now is Cara Mearns-Thompson, Clinical Director and Co-Founder of the Grief Club of Minnesota. Thanks for being with us this afternoon, Cara.

CARA MEARNS-THOMPSON: Thank you, Nina. On behalf of The Grief Club of Minnesota, truly, I just want to extend our care that goes out to those that are touched by the Annunciation school shooting, especially those moms, dads, brothers, and sisters whose hearts and homes will never be the same.

NINA MOINI: Absolutely. And, Cara, even in the words you just spoke were so beautiful, and they just felt right. I'm grateful to have you on today because many people don't what to say. And even if you practice and even if you read about it, sometimes, people get to that moment where they're with somebody who maybe it's a recent loss, or maybe it was a loss from a while ago. And it can just be really, really hard to navigate that. For people who don't know, could you tell us a little bit about just what The Grief Club of Minnesota does, how long it's been around?

CARA MEARNS-THOMPSON: Sure. The Grief Club of Minnesota is a nonprofit organization that myself and my co-founder, Sarah Kroenke started five years ago but really after, behind the scenes, decades of research and connecting with other grief centers around the country, really to make sure that we provided a grief center here in Minnesota. So we are located in Chanhassen. And we are a nonprofit grief center that provides professional grief counseling to children, teens, young adults, and their families.

NINA MOINI: And why did you feel that it was important to have a space that really does center our youngest people?

CARA MEARNS-THOMPSON: We just feel like after having decades of experience in the field of childhood bereavement, that it was an underfunded and under-resourced area. Truly, people were looking for that niche of expert care in childhood bereavement and grief counseling. And so we knew that our community needed this and deserved it, and that every bereaved child and family from every culture and social circumstance should have the access to grief-focused and trauma-informed family care that was compassionate and led by mental health professionals. And so, truly, we did what we could to limit the barriers for that. And so our nonprofit organization is provided and all services are provided at no cost to the families that we serve.

NINA MOINI: Wow, and what a wonderful service to provide. In this instance of what unfolded at Annunciation, we're talking about 20 families who've had someone who was physically hurt or a loved one who passed away. Many children hurt here. But there are also so many people who have been harmed in so many other ways that you can't immediately see. I wonder how, in these early days after an event like this, how you approach getting to know people or getting in touch with people who are probably really still in an initial phase of shock?

CARA MEARNS-THOMPSON: Sure, absolutely. We've had colleagues from other grief centers who have reached out to us yesterday. Everyone just cares, and everyone wants to do what they can to support. And, certainly, having been a part of many crisis interventions and teams in schools throughout the years, we know that the first thing that needs to happen is just a support plan that can be scoped out, really the immediate focus, obviously, on safety and stabilization.

And then what sounds like occurred last night with beautiful vigils is having the school and local community come together for that mutual support. And then, really, as you continue to scope out in the days and weeks ahead to look at and anticipate what would some of those mitigation efforts be focused on to think about the adjustment of the students and the staff and their families, as they think about returning to their routines of daily life. And then, of course, also identifying what the appropriate resources for future support would be for all affected.

NINA MOINI: How long does coming up with a plan like that take? It seems like community and peer support is a really big part of your approach. How do you go about figuring out what works best for an individual?

CARA MEARNS-THOMPSON: As it relates to a school community, those are the school leaders, who are in the difficult role right now of leading in the midst of a crisis, but working very closely with all of those school leaders. In terms of an individual approach, really, it would be talking with the family, talking with the children, assessing what are some of the things they're currently experiencing right now. And, really, truly, it's an individual assessment in terms of what those appropriate next level of supports would be for them.

NINA MOINI: Absolutely. It definitely seems so. I know your focus is a lot on young people, kids. But Minnesotans know it's been a difficult summer for the state.

A couple months ago, the state was grappling with and still grappling with the shooting, of course, of two Minnesota lawmakers. How do you approach grief when there are so many co-occurring or close together events, that it's sort of hard for people to even process the first thing before something else happens? What do you think about that compounding sort of collective grief in this state?

CARA MEARNS-THOMPSON: Absolutely. Unfortunately, there are many different circumstances for different families. And if one person has experienced traumatic grief, we do advise that there is limited focus and attention to other subsequent national or community tragedies, just for their own mental being. And so, certainly, we know that there's so many grieving hearts out there. As childhood bereavement specialists, we just deeply understand the critical need for our services, not only in crisis situations that have unfolded here in Minneapolis but also truly for the 1 in 11 children nationwide who will experience the death of a parent or a sibling before the age of 18. And for in Minnesota here, that equates to approximately 92,000 children.

NINA MOINI: Wow.

CARA MEARNS-THOMPSON: Yeah. Our services we provide are for children, teens, young adults, and their families. And so when you look at the research that's been done on childhood bereavement for Minnesota, more than 221,000 children, teens, and young adults, up to the age of 25, are currently grieving the death of a parent or a sibling.

NINA MOINI: Yeah. And just, lastly, to your point of the different types of loss that people experience, are there differences in how you would talk to someone early on in grief versus a year or two or three years down the road? Where can people go to better educate themselves on how to lend support in their interactions with people who are experiencing grief?

CARA MEARNS-THOMPSON: I would say, first and foremost, be yourself, be compassionate, and be caring. And that's the main focus. As you talk about the months and the years that follow, I would say the biggest thing would just be the recognition that grief doesn't go away, that it continues on. And it's not a problem to be fixed and that it's something that every person will carry with them, and that it is something that a lot of people like that it is acknowledged, and that other people around them will bring it up and will ask them how they're doing and will continue to support them way beyond the months but into many years ahead.

NINA MOINI: Certainly. Cara, thank you so much for coming by Minnesota Now. I'm glad that services like yours exist. Thank you.

CARA MEARNS-THOMPSON: Thank you.

NINA MOINI: That was Cara Mearns-Thompson, Clinical Director and Co-Founder of The Grief Club of Minnesota.