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This time of year people are eating a lot of meals out and attending a lot of parties with family and friends.

Award-winning chef Jeremiah Tower thinks it's important on all occasions not to lose "the essence of good manners." in an age where some people wonder "why bother?"

"Manners provide the tools to get you the life you want," Tower said — explaining that connecting and earning respect from others starts with good manners.

He has advice on everything — from restaurant and bar etiquette, to dealing with people who have food allergies, or drink too much, or talk on their phones, or always arrive late, or never send thank-you's.

Here are just a few tips he mentioned during a November 2, 2016 talk at the Commonwealth Club of California with Amanda Haas, the culinary director of Williams-Sonoma.

"Whatever you do, wait two seconds, and look around to see what everyone else is doing, what the host or hostess is doing," Tower said of checking social media when you're a guest. "If they're all taking selfies and shots of the food — then fine."

Tower says to always take ques on how to act from whoever is hosting, "because it's never about you."

The secret party ingredient: Conversation

Tower said that the main reason he warns against using social media or taking phone calls during a party or gathering is it cuts back on time you should be enjoying the people you're actually with. Despite being an award-winning chef Tower says what makes a truly great party isn't the food, "it's the conversation."

Later in the talk an audience member asked what you should do if nobody has anything to say to which he suggested they bring up "sex, religion or politics ... be ready to run but go for it."

"If you're nervous because of how you're cooking or the timing, everyone's going to be nervous," Tower said suggesting that if you're serving food at your party, you should start with something cold that can be completed early and kept covered, same goes for dessert. "Definitely make it as easy and as planned for yourself as possible, because then everyone can relax."

"Let's not lose the essence of good manners, which is to be completely aware of the people around you," Tower said. 

As long as you can hold on to that, you can figure out what good manners are for every situation even as the definition of proper etiquette changes with the times he said.


Tower won the James Beard Award as best chef in America, hosted a food program on PBS, and he's written a new book titled, 

"Table Manners: How to Behave in the Modern World and Why Bother."

To listen to the whole discussion, click the audio player above.

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Award-winning chef Jeremiah Tower thinks it's important on all occasions not to lose "the essence of good manners."  He says says it's all about respect for other people.

Award-winning chef Jeremiah Tower thinks it's important on all occasions not to lose "the essence of good manners." He says says it's all about respect for other people.

Chef Jeremiah Towers explains why manners matter in the modern world

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