How to support your kids – and yourself – through back-to-school anxiety

NINA MOINI: The first day of school is an especially big one for the thousands of kindergarteners who are stepping into school for the first time ever. It's a huge new chapter. It can cause a lot of emotions, excitement, anxiety, and within the whole family for that matter.

Coco Du is the CEO of the Minneapolis-based organization called Way to Grow, which provides educational support for families from birth to third grade. She's on the line now to talk about how she helps families prepare for this transition. Coco, thanks for your time today.

COCO DU: Thank you, Nina, so much for having us today.

NINA MOINI: Absolutely. We just heard the piece that my colleague Dana Ferguson did over at Annunciation Catholic School, and I just want to acknowledge that and, obviously, any year there are big emotions around a day like this.

I want to just start, if you would, by just saying, what Way to Grow typically does? What your organization does regularly, year-to-year to help prepare families?

COCO DU: Thank you for really lifting up the community. And I've been on the call listening to the last segment, and I just want to say, this is the moment to really understanding the power of community and how do we grieve together with the children and adults and community impacted.

NINA MOINI: Sure.

COCO DU: I think there are a couple of things we really try to make sure we do here at Way to Grow. We don't just prepare children ready for kindergarten for school. We really support the parents and empower them to be the children's first and most important teachers.

When we're thinking about entering school for the first time, or children going back to school, it's a moment of celebration, it's a big milestone, and it's reasonable, it's normal that the kids carry a lot of emotions.

And by the way, the parents also carry a lot of these emotions, so a couple practice we try to remind the parents to do is make sure you set up a routine, you have a rhythm, you have small practices. Things like evening prep, consistent meal time, bedtime, whatever you can do to reduce the morning stress for the day off of sending your children to school.

We also really encourage the parents to name their own feelings. I think part of being parents is we have our hopes and dreams for the kids, and sometimes we want to make sure we do it perfectly, and it's about navigating our own emotional journey as parents.

One thing I'm always reminded as a leader, as a practitioner, and as a parent myself is that there's no such thing as perfect parenting. What our children need the most from us is showing them our love and care, try to take the lead by role modeling the routine, setting a structure for your young learners, and another day asking about their day.

There are a lot of research around meaningful parent-child interaction, even 20 open-ended questions a day and giving your child an opportunity to reflect what are the fun part of their day, who are they meeting, what are they learning, could really increase the bonds with your children and really help the child developing their social emotional skills.

NINA MOINI: Yeah, these are really good Coco, and I just wonder when we're talking about kindergartners, I don't know a lot about developmentally what is going on around that age five years old or so, but how would you suggest parents go about naming emotions when perhaps their kids are not old enough to really name what they're feeling themselves?

I've heard that sometimes it helps to describe how it physically feels, or talking about naming emotions that they may not even understand yet.

COCO DU: Our advisement is asking age-appropriate, simple questions, so invite the questions from your child. Make sure, as a parent, we listen more than we speak, and as the child talk about their day with their feelings, making sure we acknowledge their feelings.

We can use simple statements. Things like, I hear you. That sounds scary, or I hear you. That sounds so fun. And I would just really make sure we take the time, could be at the dinner table, or it could be intentional parent-child time, to make sure there's no distractions so you are focusing on having a conversation, a dialogue with your child.

And always assure assured them that they feel safe and loved and cared for, and I would say especially important true, given this last week in event, they're just a lot of big feelings and emotions both children and adults are dealing with right now.

NINA MOINI: What are some of the most common concerns that you hear from parents about just the kindergarteners in particular, maybe kids who haven't been in that school routine before?

COCO DU: Yeah, to your point, it's about starting something brand new. It's a new chapter. For some of our children, depends on their previous child care experience.

This could be this is the first time they've entered of what I call classroom setting, so I think a lot of the excitement and anxiety come from our parents' perspective of just wanting to ensure that children are having fun and they have everything they need.

And these are long days for the young learner too, so sometimes you may find the child a little bit exhausted by the end of the day, and that is also very normal, because oftentimes kids at this age, they will hold it together, if you will, at school, but then they're tired when they get home.

NINA MOINI: When's nap time?

COCO DU: Yeah, when's nap time? So knowing your child and knowing what they need to regain the energy. And there is such a thing as introversion and extroverted people, so just every child is different.

If you're a parent with multiple kids, my older daughter and my younger daughter's, what they need from school or post-school are very different.

NINA MOINI: Yeah, and I like what you were saying too about just parents and the emotions of the entire family and how people's emotions within a family unit obviously impact one another.

And I just keep thinking today that I hope the darkness of what occurred in the last week, I hope people are still having a good day, and they're having joy and all of that. I'm sure that they are, but this morning on our 9 o'clock show with Angela Davis, people were calling in, parents were calling in talking about the start of the school year.

And I want to take a moment here to hear from this parent who had called in about her school anxiety, so this is Dana in New Brighton and how she felt dropping her kids off this morning.

[AUDIO PLAYBACK]

- My kids are really scared, and I'm really scared and I just don't how to do drop off for the first day of school. It feels like it's just stolen.

[END PLAYBACK]

Coco, how do you feel when you hear that?

COCO DU: It's a heartbreaking. Like I said, this is a week, and everyone's holding a lot of emotions. And we can feel excited for our kids as they start kindergarten or going back to school. We can also feel terrified of the world we live in as parents and children.

I think that is the most critical lesson as a parent or parenting is that we constantly live in these complicated, sometimes conflicting feelings. Just, again, a reminder that none of us are perfect parents. There's no such thing as a perfect parenting.

I think the most important thing, whether your child is little or if they're college age, I worry about my college daughter as well, so it's about being there for them, having positive parent-child engagement, give the time, care, and attention, and always assured them that they are safe and loved. I think that's what our children need most from our parents, especially in these critical moments.

NINA MOINI: And Coco, just before I have to let you go, if you had any advice for parents about when they might notice that the emotions or the anxiety that their child is experiencing, understanding that everybody's an individual, but is there a point at which generally that you would recommend a parent reach out to a school, or a doctor, or an organization like Way to Grow?

Do you have advice? I everyone's an individual, but is there a point where you would say, it's time to maybe seek some help?

COCO DU: I always empower the parents to reflect and know your child's norm, because every child is different and you will know what are the behaviors that we exhibit when they're stressed, tired, or sad, feeling these emotional words.

So I think when you notice that your child is behaving differently, as I say, differently than what you know them to be, checking with them, ask about how they're feeling, engage in the conversation, inviting them to talk with you. That's the first step, I would say.

We always encourage parents to be engaging with the schools and teachers. And part of what we do at Way to Grow is empower parents to attend parent-teacher conferences, asking questions with the teachers, because we need to see ourselves with teachers and schools as a partnership to support the child, because ultimately, this is a community-based approach to raise that child so there's more of us are paying attention to the child and noticing when the child may need help.

NINA MOINI: Keep the communication open.

COCO DU: That's right.

NINA MOINI: Coco, thank you so much for your time today. Really appreciate your expertise.

COCO DU: Thank you so much and thank you for inviting us from Way to Grow today. Thank you.

NINA MOINI: Thank you. That was Coco Du, the CEO of the Minneapolis non-profit, Way to Grow.