A Minnesota school's solution to student conflict: 'Stop everything' and talk it out

Students Simone and Maya were having a conflict. While in line for Spanish class, Maya pulled Simone’s hair.

“Like, a few times,” Simone said. 

So, Simone and Maya sat with teacher Christina Talberg at a table in the hallway of their school to have a conflict resolution conference.

These conferences are an everyday occurrence at the Friends School. Small stations are set up in the halls where students can submit a written request for a mediated conference with their peers — and sometimes their teachers — if they have a disagreement. 

Caroline Schnieders, who runs the school’s conflict resolution program, said the conferences are a big part of the school’s culture, so kids don’t hesitate to request them.

“We basically stop everything. If there's a conflict, we’ve got to resolve the conflict in order to learn,” said Schnieders. “We also have this daily system in place that allows it to happen without us having to rearrange anything or disrupt anything."

And in a moment when politics is divisive — and sometimes violent — these skills are essential for kids as they grow up, said Schnieders. 

“That's one of the main takeaways, especially with our youngest kids, when they first start doing the conferences: that not everybody thinks the same way, not everybody experiences the same things, and that we have to sit down and listen to each other,” she said. 

Before Simone and first-grader Maya figured out how to solve their conflict, their teacher asked them to go over rules for their conversation.

“Don't talk over other people,” said Simone. “It's fine if you did it, because you're not really in trouble."

“Be safe … and respectful,” added Maya.

Conferences can extend to conflicts between students and teachers, said Sara Wayne, who is the assistant head of school. 

“I’ll have a student that will sign up for a conference with their own teacher, which I have not seen practiced in any other school I've worked in or visited,” she said.

Wayne said it can be empowering for the child to have their voice heard. 

“The idea is to have children be able to engage in conflict with anyone,” she said. 

Talking through political disagreements

Wayne said conflict resolution has been part of Friends School since it opened in the 1980s. It's tied to the school's Quaker values like peace, community and belonging. From the moment kindergarteners arrive on their first day of school, they're taught how conflict resolution works. 

On an early September morning, the school's youngest children got an introduction to conflict resolution from their teachers and their 4th grade buddies, who serve as mentors.

Fourth grader Ellis explained to his kindergarten buddy why they have the conferences. 

“Conferences are helpful when there's not a problem where someone is hurting you. But it's more like you have a disagreement,” he said. “And I feel like if it's not that important, then you can just try to figure it out with the person."

In fact, Ellis said he’s having an easier time settling squabbles outside of school now.

“We don't really try to, like, blame people. We try to be like, ‘I didn't like it when you did this.’ You want to understand what the other person's feelings are,” he said.

Margot Sullivan, a graduate of the Friends School of Minnesota, said the skills she learned in grade school help her talk to people who are more politically conservative than she is. 

Sullivan, a junior in high school, recalled talking to a conservative classmate who espoused the view that politicians should do more to promote marriage. Sullivan, whose parents have never been married, disagreed.

Her initial instinct was to tell him he was wrong. Instead, she just let him talk. Things didn't escalate. 

"I just wanted to hear what he had to say. I definitely don't think I would have done that if I hadn't had the experience of conferences and conference conflict resolution,” she said. 

Sullivan said a big part of the conflict resolution process is letting the other person say their piece. “You can't really understand someone else's opinions or views if you're trying to talk over them,” she said.

Back at the table where Simone and Maya convened a conference, Maya said she couldn’t remember why she pulled Simone's hair. But she admitted that she did. 

And their resolution ended up being pretty simple.

"Maya, can you not pull my hair again?” Simone asked. 

Maya readily agreed, and the two of them headed back to class. 

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