Out to Lunch: Advocate Comfort Dondo knows that 'change is scary, but possible'
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On Minnesota Now, we hear from many different people in Minnesota over the phone and in the studio. But we don’t often meet them in the community, where news and life happens. In our “Out to Lunch” series, MPR News host Nina Moini sits down for a meal with people from Minnesota news and culture to get to know them better.
Comfort Dondo has spent her career supporting women who have experienced domestic violence in the Twin Cities and beyond. She founded the nonprofit Phumulani in 2017 and has had her hands in community anti-violence and empowerment projects throughout the twenty years she's lived in the Twin Cities, after moving here from Zimbabwe as a teen. She met MPR News host Nina Moini at a restaurant that she said reminded her of home.
Our lunch guest: Comfort Dondo
The location: Bolé Ethiopian Cuisine in St. Paul
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The following has been edited for length and clarity. Use the audio player above for the full conversation.
You moved to Minnesota more than 20 years ago, to attend St. Catherine’s University in St. Paul. Tell me about that time.
I came to Minnesota as one of my dreams that I had. In my little diary, I wrote that I wanted to leave my hometown. It was very small town outside of Zimbabwe's capital city, Harare. And the reason I picked St. Kate's at that young age was their tagline said ‘We teach women to lead and influence.’ Coming from a patriarchal country and culture, I was desiring to learn how can a woman lead and influence.
When I was a new mom, I got my first mentor. That relationship transformed the way I started moving in the world. It was with a woman who had four decades of experience my senior. She always said, you don't have to step through the same land mines I did. She said that suffering is not sexy. Suffering is not always necessary. So if I can reduce suffering for younger women, it's really important for me.
What led you to your work supporting survivors of domestic violence?
My story starts when I was a young girl in my family's home where I witnessed my mother as a survivor. I always had this desire to rescue my mother, and I made a choice that when I leave this space and I go and educate myself, I would like to come back and rescue my mother.
I want to say on record that I loved my father. He was a beautiful man, but after he drank, he was a different man. And that's the time that I witnessed him causing harm. So when I graduated from St. Kate's in 2009, I went back to Zimbabwe and bought my mother a different home, to make sure she was safe. Of course, culturally that is not acceptable, but if we don't do things differently, things will never be different.
When I reached the age of getting married, I was attracted to someone who was just like my father, a good man, but also had his shadows. And I found myself in the same cycle that I had removed my mother from. So Phumulani was founded 2017 when I was in a crisis space, fleeing domestic abuse myself. I was unhoused for a while, and I was just trying to find a solution for myself and women in my community. Since our incorporation in 2017 we've gone from a crisis response organization to being funded in a way that is more sustainable. If we only respond from a crisis survival space, we're only going to keep our women in that crisis, fight, flight, freeze, and it's a cycle.
We have expanded our housing programs by creating partnerships with private landlords, because we know that the women we work with, they have extended families, they have teenage sons. This collaboration with private landlords helps us give women autonomy to choose a space, and our job is to support them.
The Phumulani website says, “In Minnesota, 22 percent of the immigrant population is African born, including the nation's largest Liberian and Somali communities. Mobile, culturally responsive support isn't just an option, it's a lifeline.” How do we create that culturally specific care?
First and foremost, you can't heal what you don't name. Recently, I was in a gathering around mutual aid, and throughout the meeting, only one segment of Africans were mentioned. In Minnesota, we have North Africans, Central Africans, East Africans, West Africans, South Africans. We have all corners of Africa represented, but when the people that are mostly highly represented in numbers are the only ones that are being talked about, it further marginalizes those who are not even visible because of their numbers.
The first solution is to have the demographers in Minnesota tell the real story of who is represented in Minnesota right now. When you put people in a monolith, we assume that the issues are the same. But for example, let's look at how the avenues through which people come to the U.S. Some people like myself came through college. Some folks came here through the refugee camp. We have some people who come here as political asylees. They are literally fleeing for their lives when they come to Minnesota. Very different experiences.
When you talk about mental health, people might have the symptoms of PTSD, but there's no translation for that. In Zimbabwe, we don't have a word for mental wellness or mental health. We just say, you're thinking too much. Thinking too much could translate to anxiety, depression, and the whole spectrum.
How has the influx of federal agents to the state over the last few months affected your work?
Oh my goodness, it felt like déjà vu with post-George Floyd and COVID-19 combined. We've been getting calls from a lot of women, not just survivors. It was not only was only immigrant refugees affected by ICE. It was also folks that were born here, but who are being indirectly affected because they've lost their jobs. We’re seeing a lot of rental support requests.
It's also changed our work, because who heals the healer? I’m personally dealing with family that's also been in the deportation proceedings. I've had to hold space for myself as a healer in figuring out how I support my family.
What is happening right now is just a heightened version of what has already been happening. So when we are saying rental assistance calls increased by around 80 percent, there has always been that problem. It’s just heightened now, because folks have abruptly lost their income. But they were already living paycheck to paycheck.
Everyone is stressed out with ICE or without ICE, with COVID-19 or without COVID-19. There are these waves that happen. I want people to realize that this is not just trends
After the coverage of the news and the lights go off, people have to continue with their lives, and it's just the beginning. I see a lot of mutual aid, philanthropy organizations, doing amazing things.
And then what happens after? What is the post care looking like? There's no investment in that. People get forgotten in the back burner until some other crisis comes. For me, I would love to see less reactive and more proactive. And understanding that it's going to take a long time.
Would you like to share a message to anyone who is listening that may be struggling with domestic violence?
I'll say what I said to a few women this week. I am proud of you, that you're even thinking about how this space is not healthy for you. There's no judgment.
I want you to know that staying for the children is not the best reason, because the children actually want you to be free and happy and they absorb everything. And I also want to say, by the time someone puts their hands on you, things will just escalate from there.
That change is scary, but it can be done. If I could do it, you could do it. If my 63-year-old mom could follow through with it, you can also do it. I love to hand hold each individual woman based on what her needs are. Help is here.
If you are in a dangerous situation at home, help is available. You can call Minnesota Day One at 866-223-1111.
