Group of survivors helps families navigate grief after sudden, tragic violence

It’s a club no one wants to join. But for those who experience the loss of a loved one through sudden, tragic violence need a special kind of support, say leaders of the National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children.

Connie Sheely is the leader of the southeastern Minnesota chapter and president of the national Board of Trustees. Her brother was murdered 26 years ago in October, and Sheely said the group helped her move forward.

“When it happened to me, it kind of felt like you were living outside your body,” Sheely said in on Tuesday’s Morning Edition with Cathy Wurzer.

The organization provides support for families when they’re ready to receive it. That support can look like grief counseling, help navigating the legal system and support groups where those affected by this type of violence and meet and share their own stories.

Minnesota has three chapters of Parents of Murdered Children. In addition to the southeastern Minnesota chapter, there is one in central Minnesota chapter and one in the Twin Cities.

Below is a transcript of the Sheely’s conversation with Cathy Wurzer, lightly edited for clarity. To hear the radio interview, click the player above.

What are the initial feeling these families usually go through?

Initially, it’s you’re in a state of shock because you don’t expect this to ever happen to someone you love. I mean, it happens far too often, but it happens to other people — it doesn’t happen to your loved ones.

I know, when it happened to me, it kind of felt like you were living outside your body, and everything was just hazy. And when it’s a mass shooting, a mass murder, there’s a lot of attention drawn to that. So, a lot of people are talking about it, not only in the mainline media, but also on social media. People speculate things, and that’s not helpful.

People can sometimes say things that are insensitive. Just an example, when my brother was murdered — that’s how I got involved in this — one of the comments that someone said to me that really was hurtful was, “Well, he’s in a better place now.” And I just wanted to say: “I know he’s in a better place now, but he’s not supposed to be there yet. It’s too soon.”

Things that are meant to be kind and helpful aren’t always.

Grief ebbs and flows. I am assuming this painful trauma a parent can face is something that’s going to last years?

Yeah, and especially like anniversary dates. Like their birthday, holidays and the anniversary of their death, those dates bring up stronger feelings at those times, forever.

Going through having someone you love murdered, it’s something that you never get over. We don’t ever move on, but we learn how to cope with it, and we learn how to move forward. As time goes on, it does get, what I like to say, less awful.

I mean, it’s always going to be awful, but you don’t have as many moments with extreme pain, but you still do. It just becomes less frequent.

The police, the press, prosecutors use different language that refer to the child as the victim. And the child becomes kind of dehumanized. I wonder how that perpetuates the pain?

I hear people say that kind of thing a lot. One of the things we do in our organization is remind people: It’s important to us to say their name because we want our loved ones to be remembered.

And along with that, sometimes people are afraid to talk to a survivor and say their loved one’s name because they don’t want them to remember or they don’t want to make survivors cry.

I can tell you that most survivors want to you to talk about their loved one and want you to say their loved ones name, because they remember it every day.

What was your brother’s name?

Joel, my brother’s name was Joel.

Is there something folks can do for these families who have lost someone, say, six months from now?

I would say, just let people know you’re thinking about them and that you care.

Maybe send them a card on the anniversary, something like that and talk about the person’s loved one, let them know that you didn’t forget them. That means a lot to just know that other people care about what you’re going through and that other people care about your loved one.

But if people will reach out from time to time, especially on anniversaries, and just let them know that they're thinking about them and they remember their loved one, that’s huge.

• September starts off warmer than normal in Minnesota
• Morning Announcements for Sept. 4
• How will Minnesota's drought conditions affect fall colors this year?
• Morning Announcements for Sept. 3