4 scenarios that can ignite a family fight — and 12 strategies to minimize them
Many of us don't go to family parties looking for a fight. But when we're all together under one roof and have had a little too much spiked eggnog, it can be a pressure cooker.
If your family holiday events tend to erupt into verbal brawls, experts say there are techniques you can try to help minimize conflict. You can deflect a conversation, disagree productively or if you have to, defend yourself.
Picking an approach is kind of like doing improv, says Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist who specializes in relationships and the author of the New York Times-bestselling book Set Boundaries, Find Peace. "You're seeing which strategies and scripts work at the moment. Some things will land and others won't."
Here are four sticky situations you may encounter at your next family gathering and helpful ways to deal with them — so you can actually enjoy yourself.
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Scenario: Your aunt keeps asking when you're getting married (a topic you don't want to get into).
Solution 1: Avoid her. Conflict avoidance is often framed as cowardly, like you're hiding from an important conversation or a moment of growth. But if you don't have the time and energy, or you just don't want to engage on this topic over Christmas dinner – that is fine.
In fact, you're allowed to avoid a the family member who always tries to fight with you or criticizes your life choices, says Celeste Headlee, a journalist and author of We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter. Say hello and goodbye to them, but don't sit right next to them at dinner.
"There are certain people in our families who know how to push our buttons," she says. So going into a family event, identify the people "who generally do that and stay away from them."
Solution 2: Exit the conversation. Tell your aunt you need to get a snack, use the bathroom or get a drink, says Amy Lew, a marriage and family therapist based in San Diego, Calif. Children make "excellent little exits. 'Oh, look at so-and-so! Look at her outfit!' Then peace out."
Solution 3: Be direct. Tawwab says it's fine to say, "I don't want to talk about it." You could also give a response like, "My thoughts about it aren't fully processed. I'm still in the thinking phase about it."
Solution 4: Use humor to redirect the conversation. If the moment feels right, you might say, "Whoa! That's a big question," says Tawwab. "It can be a way to switch the topic without being so heavy."
Scenario: Your uncle wants to discuss a controversial topic.
Solution 1: Find something else to talk about. If you know that the conversation is going to be problematic, change the subject.
You can even be cheeky about it. Headlee likes to play something she calls "the three-question game." She'll say, "Wow, we're really not going to agree on that [topic], but I bet in three questions, I can find something you and I agree on." The new topic is usually something very simple, like "nachos or dogs," she adds — "but that's all it needs to be."
Solution 2: Cautiously engage. Listen as much as you talk and be willing to learn something new, says Headlee. "If you come from a place of curiosity, you're much less likely to trigger defense mechanisms."
You can also come into the conversation knowing you're not trying to win, she adds. "If you remove that pressure of trying to convince them with facts and statistics, it lowers the stakes."
Solution 3: Productively disagree. To demonstrate you're engaging in the conversation in good faith, acknowledge your uncle's points, says Lew. You don't have to agree with him, but you might say, "I see you've put a lot of thought into [this]" or "it makes sense you see it from this angle."
If your uncle starts spewing misinformation, you might say, "I'd be interested to see your sources. Can you forward the links? I would love to look at that," says Headlee. This approach gently encourages fact-checking while showing you're intrigued by what he has to say.
Solution 4: Nip it in the bud. If you notice you're getting worked up, end the conversation — especially "if having the debate will ruin the rest of the evening for everyone," says Tawwab.
Lew says you might say, "Look, I don't think we're going to see eye to eye on this. I'm glad we talked about it. But we might need to just agree to disagree tonight."
Scenario: A cousin is putting you down again.
Solution: Defend yourself. You're allowed to draw a line. If this were a friend's party or a workplace event and somebody was treating you the same way, how would you behave?
"Family doesn't mean a ticket to abuse," says Headlee. "You get to decide how people speak to you."
You might tell your cousin, "You can't speak to me that way. And if you do, I'll leave," she adds.
Scenario: You regret coming to party.
Solution 1: Remember why you decided to go in the first place. Sara Stanizai, a therapist who runs a queer- and trans-affirming practice, says to ask yourself: Why is this event important to me? Why am I attending?
"Maybe I want to spend time with my cousin who's going through terminal illness. Maybe I want to be lazy and watch TV on the couch and not engage. All of it is cool," says Lew.
That "why" can be your anchor, says Stanizai – something to come back to if dinner gets tense.
Solution 2: Make a time limit. "Remind yourself that whatever's happening right now is short term and you're going to go home and relax," says Headlee.
That might mean you only spend four hours with the family on Christmas. During that time, make a promise to yourself and your family, says Tawwab. "For the four hours you have me, I will be my best self."
Solution 3: Make a run for it. It's perfectly acceptable to leave the party if things get out of hand. "You don't even have to tell anyone," says Stanizai. You can just say, "I have to go get something out of my car" and bounce.
This episode of Life Kit was produced by Audrey Nguyen. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan, and our digital editor is Malaka Gharib.
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